Let's Build a Village

I could go on and on about how completely overwhelmed I have been by your response, both in comments and in crazy blog traffic, to Soft Laundry. (And I could spend many sentences thanking so many of you for inviting the women who care about you and for whom you care.) But instead, I’m going to tell you what I see from this side of the screen.

I see a topic that people may want to talk more about.

I hear the seedlings of a conversation that may really need to grow.

I am meeting some amazing women out there who have a lot to offer – and to receive from – well-constructed Villages.

In Soft Laundry, I admitted to the whole world that I refused for a long time to ask my dear girlfriend about her secret to amazing results in the laundry room only and precisely because she is a stay at home mom and, for me, asking her for advice was an admission that I don't have all the answers. That I can't do it all on my own. That my choice to work necessarily means I don't spend as many hours of each day devoted to home as she does. And so I kept trying and failing to replicate her laundry tricks because I would rather fail than ask for her help. Pretty nasty place to be.

I’m not so sure that our movement away from Mommy Wars toward Reverence and Respect for Others' Choices is all that effective when that Reverence and Respect just cloaks deeply-rooted indignation and hostility. Or when we continue to hide behind fear that paints us into a corner, whispering what does The Ask say about me? Respect with pursed lips and a resolve to make sure that, when push comes to shove, she’ll never be able to replicate MY pie crust, may not be all that fulfilling. In fact, it seems like a big waste of energy.

But I think we’re ready to move on - move forward - evolve - toward something that is not just Respect From Afar. What would happen if we started to do some hard work, lay a real foundation of confidence for building our own strong Villages?

Would it be possible to do a little experiment? In my original post, I wrote:

But what if? What if, in an effort to embrace the concept that we, as women and mothers, have a very strong Village upon which we all can lean, we decided to ask each other, very openly, How do you do it? What if there was no condescension, or shame, in the asking? And what if we started to share our skills and resources and well-researched solutions openly?

With no one looking around, everyone’s eyes closed, would any of you moms, whatever your day to day schedule, whatever your choices or circumstance, be willing to raise your hand and say:

“I’ve been embarrassed to ask, but She always seems to be really good at This Thing, and I’m wondering if there are any secrets I could apply to improve my Mess Of A System That Flat Out Isn’t Working.”

Anyone? Anyone willing to admit that a woman who has chosen, relative to you, to spend more of her hours inside the home, or more of her hours outside the home, by virtue of that choice might have already solved something that presents a mammoth struggle for you?

Okay, then. I’ll start.

I’ve been a full time working mom for almost 6 years. My daughter is in public school kindergarten, and I didn’t sign up to help with any of the class parties or “homeroom mother” duties, because I was sure I couldn’t be reliable. Plus, I assume (maybe wrongly?) that the mothers who are able to take on those responsibilities do it and enjoy it and don’t want the paltry amount of help I could offer. But is there a way that I, as a largely unavailable-during-the-day mom, could be helpful to the homeroom mothers in EB’s class without being annoying or “in the way?”

Maybe that seems like one that has an easy answer. From my perspective it isn’t. I do want to help out, if for no other reason than so my EB can see that I care greatly about the things that are important to her, like class parties. At the same time, I get all sweaty when I think about trying to be something I’m not, and about approaching some of these moms (who have already demonstrated their MAD school party skills at at least two events I’ve seen so far this year) with very little to offer.

So can some of you answer that question for me? Are there minor things I could do to make your job as homeroom mom more enjoyable for you?

And is there anything you’d like to know about how I do something that you’ve always wanted to ask a working mom but haven’t out of fear of admitting that you’re a miserable failure?

I have no idea whether anyone will respond to this - to my own question or to my invitation to Ask different questions. But it seems to me that this is the first step to testing the character – the Grace and Kindness and Generosity - of those who might make a good addition to your Village. The great thing about creating a Village is that you hold the keys to the city gate. You get to choose who is strong and kind and generous and gracious enough to stand next to you and make you better.

Why not start your test here? Maybe you'll get some awesome answers. Maybe you'll meet some amazing women whose lives look nothing like yours from the outside. Maybe you'll get better at something. And maybe you'll gain some direction and confidence toward building your own Village. What could be better than that? And what do you have to lose?

photo by christine zenino