Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Soft Laundry

My close friend has the softest laundry I’ve ever touched. Her baby’s blankets are like butter. Her dish towels are sparkly white, without a single stain, and every time I wash my hands at the sink I know they’ll smell better after having been dried with the rag lying next to the basin. When I walk up to her front door on laundry day, I breathe in deeply. It smells so fresh.

I tried for months to replicate her laundry. I stole a glance at her detergent brands and rushed out to get the same kinds. I attempted bleaching my towels over and over. And I used every fabric softener I could find. No matter what I did, though, my laundry wasn’t like hers. In comparison, my towels were stiff and dingy. My rags seemed to smell funny after a day of use. And my baby’s blankets just weren’t nearly as luxurious.

I suppose I could have asked her to divulge her laundry secrets. To give me a hint, or spill all the beans. To help me achieve the perfect load of laundry. But for a long time I didn’t. Why not? Because my friend is a stay at home mom. And somehow I had fallen into this awful, hateful, self-destructive belief cycle that whispers "To ask her for advice is to admit defeat." To admit that there’s something in my home that I can’t get right because I don’t spend enough time working on it. Good gracious. My baby goes to DAYCARE – the least I could do is figure out how to send her off each day with a soft blanket.

This week I read a post at Mom-101 titled Things you never say to a working mom. The comments to that post were fascinating and enlightening. As both working moms and stay home moms shared numerous offenses by “insensitive” folks, I realized two things. First, I have heard, in some form or fashion, virtually every single one of those sentiments expressed from a mommy of one camp toward a mommy of the other camp. Second, I was struck by a burning question: when, and why, have we all become so sensitive and divided? In an email discussion with two of my closest friends, I shared the following thoughts:

... But the comment that annoys me personally more than any other is “I don’t see how you do it.” Because almost every time I hear that from someone, whether it is a working mom to a SAHM, or vice versa, it sounds condescending to me. Almost always. Sort of like “I don’t see how you can stand to run your life that way and really think that is the right way.”

And, really? Do you really not see how I do it? Because if you really want to know, I’d be happy to show you. And then you’ll see that I do it the same way you do it. There are things to be done, and we do them. Or we don’t. But the sun rises and sets and we all make it through the day. In fact, hopefully we do more than make it through. Hopefully we go to bed happy with our accomplishments and owning and embracing our choices. Or our circumstances.
And so what if? What if we turned sour grapes to homemade grape juice? What if, in an effort to embrace the concept that we, as women and mothers, have a very strong Village upon which we all can lean, we decided to ask each other, very openly, How do you do it? What if there was no condescension, or shame, in the asking? And what if we started to share our skills and resources and well-researched solutions openly?

After all, isn't that what men do? I know my husband is first to admit that he cannot change the oil in his car. But he certainly doesn't get upset over it or stand in the driveway, looking under the hood of the car, pretending to solve the problem and secretly hoping none of our neighbors will find him out. He's good at what he does, and he has immersed himself in a dynamic construct of folks who are good at almost every single other thing you could think of. And they help each other. In fact, their resourcefulness is remarkable in many ways. From manual tasks to high level financial investment discussions to personal mentors and spiritual leaders, his web of friends and confidants is spectacular. It seems to me that we women are crippling ourselves and missing out on some rich opportunities by insisting that each of us as an individual must possess a complete Holy Grail of All That Is Womanhood.

More and more, when I talk to a non-working mom whose style and organization, or whose excellence in particular areas, I really respect, I will ask her “how do you do this or that or the other thing?” And I ask because I really want to know. And because I am genuinely inquiring, I find some AWESOME tips that are applicable to my own life and that have helped me become better/more efficient at the things that I do. People who simply have more time in the day to research and try-and-err and focus on things that I can’t devote that kind of time to come up with great solutions. And I poach them. And I love it.

And you want to know what happens next? Condescension? Guilt? Shame? Whispering behind my back about what a crappy mom I am?

No. Next, my non-working mom friend is hosting a large party in her home. And she doesn’t have time to make all the preparations AND clean her houses the way she normally would. So she asks me if I have a recommendation for a good housekeeper in a pinch. And I share my resources gladly. And tomorrow a different stay-at-home-mommy friend offers to pick up my daughter from school because she’ll be there anyway and our nanny isn’t back from winter break yet. That same day, I'm bringing home two babes from daycare instead of one because Little P's working mama is taking a deposition that will run late.

And then my sweet doctor friend, exhausted from a long day at work, runs across the street to my house at 9:00 p.m. in the cold Oklahoma winter wind, wearing her sweat pants, to take a look at Little Belle’s diaper rash because I accidentally blew the 3:30 appointment with her pediatrician that I had scheduled. And then I take a look at a construction contract that she and her husband need to sign and point out some language that she might want to tweak before they close.

And I need a children’s book on some difficult topics and I don’t have time to research them, so I send a plea to my dear non-working mom friend for ideas. And when I return to my office an hour later, sitting in my Inbox is an email with a litany of suggestions that she spent her morning researching. For me. Instead of me. And our daughters are friends, and these are topics they’ll probably discuss someday. And so she and I are working together, in every sense that is important, to raise our precious girls and to give them a strong, loving foundation for vibrant, healthy discourse.

She stands next to me as a mother and a friend. She helps me become better.

See? That’s my Village. My Village isn’t just helping me raise my children. My Village is making me better. Stronger. More confident. As a mom and a wife and a life manager. More and more I have rejected from My Village people who draw lines in the sand and ideals that insinuate that the varied and unique skills we’ve all gathered are to be hoarded and kept secret, or held in tight confidence as a sign of “Better Than You At This.” We’re potluck parents around here, and if you aren’t willing to bring what you have to the table, then I’ve decided you simply won’t be invited to the party.

And now that I've realized this about me, about the Village that I am determined to live in, I am enjoying the softest laundry in town.

(P.S. The response to this post has been so fantastic that I'm trying a little Village Building experiment. Check it out here!)

Image by Playingwithbrushes


  1. I have this Village at my church everyday. It is such a blessing.

  2. love this!! so whats the secret to the yummy laundry????

  3. This was a lovely and inspiring read. Thank you! And now, do we get the secret of soft laundry?

  4. love this. we do all need a village, don't we?

  5. i need that laundry tip, too!

  6. Funny, I have often asked of friends, "wow, how do you do it?" Homeschooling moms, moms of twins, single moms, moms of 5. I'm generally in awe of them--impressed that they can manage that which I can't seem to do myself. And the crazy thing is, they often want to know how I do whatever it is that I do. The grass is always...more complicated?

    You live in a wonderful village. And they deserve you.

    (And I'm stealing "potluck moms" sometime. Brilliant."

  7. This is a great post. I met for a lunch play date with some moms today and we were talking about this. I've always figured it's best to just jump in and help when I see a thing I can do, and then usually someone will jump in when I need help.

  8. Beautiful post. Enjoy the soft laundry.

  9. so smart and lovely. inspiring, too! can't wait to share your beautiful post with my village, the women for whom i'm bursting with love and admiration now more than ever. thank you!

  10. Wow! I've experienced both worlds as a full time working mom with an infant in day care, and now I am a pt working mom who mostly stays at home. Great post. Thanks for sharing!

  11. I needed this today. My daughter is a year old this weekend and I have struggled every day since I went back to work at 11 weeks. I have struggled to maintain my sanity and my friendships with my sahm friends. We are ALL doing what we have to do in order to raise strong confident children. I needed this reminder.

    Thank you again, I needed the perspective and your beautifully written post just gave it to me. I wish I could hug you right now.

  12. This comment has been removed by the author.

  13. (had to delete my first comment because of a typo. that's what I get for typing in the dark)

    I'm pretty much speechless in light of the awesomeness of this post.

    May our girls grow into a future where The Mommy Wars are a sad and laughable distant memory. May we continue to exalt in Village and Potluck and Soft Laundry and all the very best that is Sisterhood.

    (And so yeah. About that soft laundry . . .)

  14. What a beautifully written post. I hope all mothers can find their village. I am just beginning to find friends who belong in mine.

  15. What a beautiful post!! I'm sending it to girlfriends far and wide. Thank you!!

  16. I'm still curious about the secret to the laundry! :)

  17. This post makes my heart happy. I straddle the fence as a mom who works PT & SAH PT. I would be a hundred times more grey & a boat load more stressed if I hadn't started my Village while my first was tiny. Thank you for putting these thoughts much more eloquently than I ever have.

  18. Oh gosh. THANK YOU for writing this.
    I'm nearly in tears.

    Thank you.. thank you.. you have no idea <3

  19. Saw the link on Twitter . . . what a beautiful post. Love the idea of the modern village. THank you for this!

  20. This is a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing.

    I am also hoping you'll share the secret of soft laundry...

  21. Isn't it LIBERATING to let go of the condescension and judgment and just help each other out??

    And I admit I constantly battle the Laundry Fragrance Envy demon. I've thrown in the towel. Ha ha! Get it?

    Don't be hatin cause I'm dorkier than all y'all.

  22. I am beyond thrilled by all of these comments. Will you all be in my Village??

    We have really hard water where I live, and my home doesn't have a softening system. So the secret to the soft laundry is using a booster that precipitates the mineral deposits in the water (calcium and magnesium, as I understand it). Good old fashioned Borax is the key for me. I use my normal (eco-friendly) detergent in the soap dispenser and just add 1/2 cup of Borax to each load, right into the bin (we have a front-loading machine). I also still use my liquid fabric softener, though I am not sure that is necessary. I just like the scent. The difference has been dramatic.

    I've read of other softening agents, and I think it just depends on what is making your laundry stiff. But the Borax tip solved our problem!

  23. The best part about this post is realizing that when you are standing there wondering how someone else does it (in a good way), another is thinking the same of you. And then realizing that you can offer AND receive! I am a mom of 5, work from home doing child care, my days go spinning by. I am always the one handing out and am always so desperate to reach out. Reality? NO ONE can do it all, even if it looks like they can...their struggles are that of a normal human being! Embrace what you have and offer what you can. Thank you, this is so touching! :)

  24. I am jealous of you tonight, friend. Jealous of the way you communicate such a complicated topic (though it really shouldn't be, it is) and even more importantly jealous of the parental village you live in.

    I have villages in my life for certain things, but the mommy village is something I'm building slowly. LA can be difficult in that way. But I aspire to one just as varied and loving as yours.

  25. I followed Liz's link from Twitter, and I'm glad I did. What a beautifully written post. Thank you.

    The thing that kills me is the way our collective insecurities get used against us- so even if I don't really care that my house is a little messier than some and my laundry a little less perfect, the idea that my chosen career is somehow incompatible with "work-life balance" (whatever THAT is) gets bandied about as the reason why there aren't more women in leadership positions in my field. And some women buy into that, and self-select out of careers that they love because they are afraid they can't "have it all". And they do this before they're even married, just based on the fear that society has planted in their heads. When the truth is that, as you say, we all have some things we're better at than others, and that no one ever has it all, but most of us can have the things that really matter to us.

    If only we could all build villages like yours, maybe we could start to see the range of ways of being a mother that are possible, and stop sabotaging ourselves.

    (And I'm totally going to get some Borax and see if that brings me laundry nirvana.....)

  26. A generation or two ago....especially when people lived on farms or in small villages, it was easy to have the support of family and friends who lived next door or down the street. I worked shift work while our 3 daughter's were growing up. But I was lucky to live on a farm and either my best friend, my husband or my mother-in-law shared child-care duties. As we have become urbanized that concept has been lost. Thus the 'super-mom' complex. Your village concept is great...and benefits everyone...

  27. Amen. Thank you so much for sharing your insight--this is powerful, perspective-changing and beautifully written. I've lived both sides of the Mommy Wars, and this, I think, is the best "answer" (peace treaty, if you will) I've seen so far.

  28. You probably didn't mean it, but this is condescending to stay at home mothers, too:
    People who simply have more time in the day to research and try-and-err and focus on things that I can’t devote that kind of time to come up with great solutions...
    We are NOT people who simply have more time--we must MAKE the time. To do what's important to us. It's a question of priorities, whatever a woman's happen to be. One of mine is making our own laundry detergent, so I found out how to do it. But not because I 'had extra time.' It's because it was a priority so I MADE the time for it.

  29. I take it as a compliment when someone says "I don't know how u do it". I never thought of it another way.

  30. I think this is a nice article, don't get me wrong, but I guess I just don't see why it even has to be said. I actually found it kind of sad in a way. 

    Maybe I'm lucky though as, until this article, I just thought my experiences were the norm & not the exception. 

    I have friends who are both SAHM & moms that work outside of the home. I believe we're all working moms and one is not better than the other. We are all mom's doing our best.

    When I say "I don't know how you do it" it is a compliment. When someone says it to me, I take it the same way. 

    It saddens me that we as mothers feel judged by others or that some feel that they have the right to judge others for the choices that we ha s made. Each one of did what we thought was best for our family. 

    Have we all forgotten to treat others how we would like to be treated & not to judge someone until you've walked in their shoes? 

    How quickly we forget the lessons we try to instill in our children.

  31. I really get this and I love how you have so gently said it.

    Thank you.


  32. This is the subject of my upcoming book, but I don't believe I described the issue as eloquently as you! Love this!

  33. Potluck moms - love it. Those are the only kind of moms worth surrounding yourself with. I've shared this with all my friends. Great post.

  34. Mom-101: absolutely, the grass is always more complicated. But probably a little less so if we're willing to ask, right?

    Shannon: it sounds like you're bringing a lot to your Village. Kudos to you!

    One Hungry Mama: such kind words. Thank you. I would love to hear more about your Village! It sounds like a precious part of your life.

    Anonymous who just went back to work: hug to you, too. I've been in your shoes three times. Going back is never easy, but I'm sure making the decision to NOT go back isn't easy, either. You said it exactly right: We are ALL doing what we have to do in order to raise strong confident children.

  35. Megan @ SortaCrunchy: Yes, yes, yes. Death to Mommy Wars, and let's raise a glass of wine at our Potluck!

    Jackie: It took me a while to learn about the importance of a carefully crafted Village, but I'm finally getting it. Thanks for the encouragement!

    Mama of 5: With what you do every day as a childcare provider, you are contributing mightily to some women's Villages. Thank you.

  36. Mike: You're exactly right. I did not intend to offend anyone by that sentence. In fact, that's precisely the conversation I'm trying to move away from. I agree with you - none of us are just handed a bunch of free time, no matter what our career choices. The same way you choose to prioritize making your own laundry soap, I prioritize learning about carefully constructed contracts. And I feel safe in making that my priority, because I hope I can rely on you for laundry soap tips. In the same way, I hope that if you ever need contract advice, you won't feel the need to reinvent that wheel - because I've already spent a lot of time doing it.

    I hope that helps.

  37. laura @ hollywoodhousewife: I think the Mommy Village is better to build slowly. I'm not sure why. Maybe because it is an area in which we are so vulnerable, we want to be careful about opening up only to those with the best intentions?

    Cloud: I couldn't agree more. I see the same sort of early self-selection in my practice, too. It's one of the reasons I have such a heart for women graduating from professional school. I want them to know that, if they've committed all that time and energy to a goal, there is a balance that will allow them to have the things that are important to them.

  38. This post is the reason why I LOVE to read your blog. I am a working mom with 1 child, so I can only imagine how hard it is to work with 3 kids! I so envy your village! I live in what I call a "trust-fund mom" area - people who have no need to work, so ALL of my friends are SAHM. I encounter condescension (spelling?) to the point that I avoid certain "friends" because I feel like they look down at the fact that my son goes to daycare. One of these friends is sending her son to pre-school and she made the point to tell me that he only goes three mornings a week. And I have heard the "I don't want someone else to raise my child" line so many times it's not even funny. *Sigh* I definitely need to work on building my village!

  39. Oh, Larisa, a million thank yous to you! First, one of the circumstances in which I just don't feel like it's "all the same work" is single moms vs. moms with partners or significant helpers close by. Grace and prayers to you, friend.

    Second, I agree that you need to be selective about your Village. BUT, I'm curious about those moms you describe - their lives may look very different from yours, but is there a chance that there are some ideas and tips and resources you could steal? If not from them directly, from their nannies or helpers? Get to poaching, girlfriend!

    One example: Have you ever tried (depending on your boss's rules) taking an extra hour at lunch once every couple of weeks and doing massive grocery shopping? Just a thought. I was jealous for a while that one of my friends could do her grocery shopping during the week instead of the weekend, but then one day I realized that I could do the same thing with some careful planning. Added benefit was that kiddos are all in childcare or school, so I could do it ALONE!

    Anyway, thanks for reading and participating in the conversation! I hope to continue it here!

  40. Sooo, curious about the laundry tip! LOL!!

  41. Awesome post! I agree, and I applaud you.

  42. Great comment suggestion to do the grocery shopping much more productive!

  43. I just stumbled on your blog and so glad I did. I truly heart this post!!! Beautiful!

  44. Jaime! I just found your blog, and LOVE this post. It's so honest, and beautifully written. I'm off to forward the link to all of my dear mommy friends. I look forward to following you. Thank you!

  45. What a wonderful post! Thank you for sharing this!!

  46. Don't leave out the moms who are having a hard time...just because they can't see the village for the fog they are in, or perhaps they don't have that village you have....invite them, care for them, nurture them and be a mentor. Don't cut them off because you would rather a warm-cuddly feeling in your life. Give back wherever you can and create open networks of women, don't close doors. There are alot of needy women and families out there -- caring people create caring networks.

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